By S. Derrickson Moore
LAS CRUCES —O brave new world, that offers so many methods of communication.
Which brings us to a crucial decision point, as Valentine’s Day draws near and I face dilemmas Elizabeth Barrett Browning could never have imagined as she penned that famous sonnet for her love Robert.
How shall I say I love thee in 2012?
Let me count the potential ways.
• Via old-fangled snail mail? And shall I go priority, overnight, or alternatively dispatch my Valentine via UPS or Federal Express?
• Via personal courier?
• By singing telegram? Via flashmob?
• Via phone? More questions here. I currently have four phone numbers at home and the office and my love has at least five. If I want to whisper the words to him directly, it’ll be a guessing game to connect.
• So texting will be more reliable. Not as romantic as whispering sweet nothings in his ear, but, oh, well.
• Sweet Tweets would be my next choice, but my love is a few years older and does not yet have a Twitter account. I’d teach him, but my own first attempts have met with five system crashes. Twick or Tweet? (I am not finding this funny, Puddytat!)
• I posted my sentiments on Facebook, but my love, if he’s finally kept his promise and set up his own Facebook page, never seems to check it. And I seem to have inadvertently sent my sentiments to 537,520 Facebook Friends, including 1,420 of my former high school classmates and 345,000 people who attended the same university I did. Plus about 1,736,117 people and organizations I’ve never heard of. The good news: 31,204 Facebook friends have already announced that they love me, too!
• After a rather irate Tweet, I finally locate and check my love’s Facebook account and find he has just changed his status from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated.” Is he concerned about the 31,204 Facebook friends who have just declared their love for me?
• My e-mail has crashed at home and the office after hearing from 84,653 wives, ex-wives and significant others who want to know who I am and why their guys are declaring their love for me.
• The good news: I’ve gotten flowers and candy from 133 old high school boyfriends and 252 college flames who confess they’ve always loved me, too, and have often regretted that we couldn’t manage to work things out until now. It soon becomes clear that I have never met most of these people, who have mistaken me for someone else.
• I discover my love has changed his Facebook status to “single.” I still can’t reach any of his phone numbers, his e-mail has crashed, too, and he isn’t responding to Tweets or texts.
• I hire a 16-year-old tech geek to help me get the word out on social media to explain that my declaration of love was meant for just one of the millions who seem to have gotten my message. I discover one of my friends finds this whole dilemma funny and has made my attempted Skype apology into an Intellituned YouTube parody that’s gone viral.
• I arrange for singing telegrams to be delivered to my love at home and the office, offering apologies and explaining the mess. I am notified that my love is out of town and has left no contact information.
• I borrow a friend’s new iPhone 4S and in despair, appeal to android sage Siri: “Loves me? Love me not? Loves me? Loves me not?” I wail.
It’s a question any self-respecting daisy could answer with the low-tech plucking of petals.
But mellow-voiced Siri seems perplexed. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand the question,” she tells me.
• It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m all alone. I have unplugged my computers, left all phones, laptops, iPads and handheld devices uncharged and am curled in a fetal position, outside of any neighboring WiFi range.
Still, something is ringing. Persistently.
• It’s the doorbell. It’s my true love, holding the snail mail Valentine I’d forgotten I’d sent. He has flowers, chocolates and a bottle of champagne. All is forgiven.
• I realize I should recharge and reactivate all devices, restore our relationship status on Facebook, Tweet the good news to my followers, and Skype images of the beautiful roses before they wilt.
• I decided to kiss him, instead.
S. Derrickson Moore can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org; (575) 541-5450. To share comments, go to www.lcsun-news.com and click on Blogzone and Las Cruces Style. Follow her — if you must — on Twitter @DerricksonMoore.